Do middle-aged accountants shred?
Last month a special Jacksonvillian had a special birthday.
Were you aware that our Mayor — former accountant and current middle-aged conservative white man, Lenny Curry — liked to do the skateboarding?
Look at him in the picture on the left, gleefully showing off his radical shred-stick. Those super soft, 72mm wheels. That old-school deck. The very realistic depiction of a rifling, tropical pointbreak — is it Noosa? Burleigh? Who cares? Our Mayor shreds them all!
Perhaps, he’ll even accept Jax Beach Mayor Charlie Latham’s Twitter-invitation to meet him “at the new Jax Beach skateboarding park” for some skateboarding!
But, wait, does Our Mayor shred the gnar? Let us consult the picture on the right. Uh, oh. That wide, perpendicular stance. That lack of bend in the knees. Those flapping wings. Though he is apparently capable of sticking a treacherous driveway-to-street transition, Our Mayor, sadly, does not appear to shred.
But is it not degrading to know that Our Mayor is not a shredder? Or is it more degrading to see him, standing there, in shorts, a tee shirt, and slipons, holding his kooky board and looking more like a part time Publix stock-clerk than Mayor of a major metropolitan area?
It was once that cool surfer kids wore the Quiksilver because Cocoa Beach’s Kelly Slater rocked the Quik and other cool surfer kids sported the Billabong because what cool surfer kid doesn’t like his tee to say “Bong”? Meanwhile, skateboarding was a crime, and we know this to be true because skateboarders had to make stickers and tees that argued to the contrary.
And it was once that these two cultures born from the practices of riding atop boards were quite insular, even hostile to outsiders. If the cool surfer kid who wore the Quik because Jimmy Slade wore the Quik saw a person wearing the Quik who did not ride a surfboard and also did not know that Kelly Slater’s name on Baywatch was Jimmy Slade, the cool surfer kid’d likely lob an epithet at the offending party, such as the perennial term of alienation “Posuer.”
But, beginning in the late-90s, big brands from both surf and skate started reaching out to middle America in a big way. Pac Sun outfitted Ohioans and Indianians in the Quik and the Bong, while Nebraskans and Missourians watched the Xtreme Games and decided that skateboarding mustn’t be a crime if it is being performed on national television.
During the same period, Americans became slobs. Casual attire has been adopted for all occasions. Sweat pants to the airport. Tennis shoes with jeans. Shorts at the office.Cargo shorts for non-military personnel.
And as Americans got sloppy, they turned to the Quik and to the Bong and to the Hurley and to the Volcom for their shorts and tees and now we are just a country full of poseur-slobs with big-city poseur mayors, wearing shorts and smiling over their Sector-9s.
So what say you, Squealer faithful? Do you wear shorts in public? Is Our Mayor a Poseur? How much would you pay to see Mayors Latham and Curry shred the bowl?