FIGHT FUN: Mayweather McGregor Post-Match Ringside Wrap Up

Last night millions of sports fans, along with countless hurriedly-Google-primed-instant boxing experts the world over, sat at the edge of their seats to watch boxing champion Floyd Mayweather and MMA/UFC champ Conor McGregor battle it out in the ring.

How many fans watched this pugilistic pow-puncho-plammo fest?

While many skinflints balked at the $10,000 price for a ringside seat at Las Vegas’ T-Mobile Arena – filling only 14,623 of the arena’s 20,000 capacity – the demand was so great for the family priced pay-per-view (PPV) ticket price of $99.95 that the event actually crashed PPV servers.

At press time, it’s believed that at least 50 million people in America watched the fight on PPV, while a staggering four sports fans watched in North Korea.

With a previously estimated net worth of $400 million, Mayweather actually made the ultimate sacrifice and came out of retirement (again) to satisfy his millions of fans’ needs to witness him mercilessly pummel someone who arguably isn’t even operating in Mayweather’s actual sports field.

Of course, millions also tuned in to watch the proverbial kid from nowhere, 29-year-old Irish pauper Conor McGregor take down Mayweather, who at age 40 many consider to be a veritable American boxing Methuselah in a battle that some believe would’ve rivaled David and Goliath, or at least the October 25, 1990 match between Buster Douglas and Evander Holyfield aka “Buster’s In-Ring Ham Hang Hoedown.”

Controversial early 20th-century boxing commentator Carl Jung had once postulated — tendentiously – that WWII was, on some archetypal level, Wotan and Yahweh battling for supremacy on a bloody battlefield stretching outward here on planet Earth.

Last night’s match was no different: 10 rounds of sweaty, bloody, archetype-rich punch gravy,-covered knuckle sandwiches, ending with an unsurprising knockout by Mayweather.

Like all sports fans, the staff here at The Squealer are intrigued by such minutiae as stats, numbers, RBIs, and the like.

For example, has it only been five years and 23 days since Mayweather served a two-month sentence for battering his ex-girlfriend in front of their children?

Time is a playful sprite.

Our sources say that once McGregor stepped into the ring last night, iTunes music sales of Limp Bizkit, Puddle of Mudd, and Godsmack plummeted. Due to MMA/UFC fans’ devotional stance towards McGregor, their ginger-headed, Christ-like figure, downloads of these UFC fans’ life soundtracks of choice flatlined during the entire nail-biting 2,160 seconds of the match.

In combined pay-per-view purchases, ticket sales, sponsorships, and merchandise, last night’s fight racked up more than $600 million in revenue.

Mayweather walked away with at least $200 million while loser McGregor will have to dry his eyes on $100 million in small bills.

As a kind of 1-2-Punch to beat the hype and report following last night’s match into total, gurgling brain death, we’ve compiled a list* of how Mayweather and McGregor could join forces and spend their combined new fortune of $300 million dollars.

  1. Buy 1,578,948 Premium George Foreman Grills and distribute them to their true fans.
  2. Organize roughly 10,000 assassinations by low-to-mid-level hit men.
  3. Feed 410,959 people every day for an entire year.
  4. Buy 243,000,000 knock-off Fidget Spinners and tuck them away for future collectible value.
  5. Buy 300,000,000 items at the Dollar Tree.
  6. Donate money to Seva and cure blindness for 6,000,000 people who happen to be living in the most impoverished regions on the planet.
  7. Fully fund one of the most sensible, beneficial, and crucial Crowdfunding projects on the planet that would bring all of humankind together in a vibrating field of total peace and absolute potential.
  8. Become the mad Hydra-Headed Gods of Sea Monkeys and purchase 27,272,728 in terrorist cell hatcheries.
  9. Open up that wine cellar for real and purchase 1,538 bottles of Château Margaux 2009.
  10. Explore their the dark side and purchase 1,500 kilos of heroin.
  11. Buy a few dozen licensed medical buildings and “flip” them into drug treatment facilities.
  12. Track down every Marillion album in LP/cassette/CD formats and have them ritualistically destroyed.
  13. In a kind of crushing irony that would make the Gods of Mount Olympus sigh in cosmic delight, purchase Mike Tyson 100 times.
  14. Set 100, bloodthirsty Mike Tysons loose on the world.
  15. Broadcast that shit on pay per view, regenerate, regenerate — Lo! Greed is the very crown itself.

 

*Some calculations are not approximate.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s