HOLIDAY CONTEST: CRUCIFY YOURSELF, EARN MONEY AND PRIZES

There’s a truly wild fad trending right now.

But this unbelievable craze is hardly new.

In fact, its roots can be traced back to the age of Classical Antiquity (1000 BCE – 450 CE).

Popularized by the murder of Jesus Christ, this ancient form of capital punishment is called crucifixion and it’s coming back strong.

But did it ever really go away?

Back in April of this year, a story from The Telegraph reported that devout Catholics in the Philippines reenact the crucifixion of Christ on Good Friday of every year!

Mixing Catholicism and Filipino folk beliefs, it seems like some devotees are simply clamoring to “take up the cross.”

But when it comes to who will be “King of the Mountain,” local man Ruben Enaje wears the coveted crown—of literal thorns—as the unrivaled champ.

On this particular Good Friday, Enaje was the first to scamper up and be nailed to the cross at the reenactment spot on that country’s Barangay San Pedro Cutud.

What’s even more amazing is that this is Enaje’s 31st re-enactment. Wow!

Although he is certainly respected for ruling the roost, Enaje is just one of many locals of the Philippines – an archipelago in the western Pacific Ocean that is comprised of approximately 7,641 islands – who submit to this gory exaltation.

Many of the hopeful soon-to-be crucified wear traditional crucifixion garb.

But thankfully it’s not just a runway show with a real bang of an ending.

One of the participating penitents was the casually dressed Joel Ortega, who was simply “wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt.”

Along with the festivities in Barangay San Pedro Cutud, the cities of Paombong, Bulacan, Duljo-Fatima, Cebu City, and Angeles City, Pampanga also offer ample opportunities to be nailed to a large wooden cross, which is then hoisted into the air for the entire world to view.

Showing that these unsettling blood rites have stayed current, today men and women are welcomed alike to be crucified.

But beforehand, it’s recommend that they make sure they’re caught up on those tetanus shots!

Well, we at The Squealer are pleased to announce that this holiday season Cash is King (of Kings)!

We are offering cash money and prizes for any of our readers who are willing to have themselves crucified between now (Dec. 19, 2017) and Christmas Day.

Ha ha! Hold on there, Ruben Enaje! Not so fast!

This crucifixion contest is exclusive to Jacksonville, Florida and its surrounding environs.

The contest is simple: Have your family or friends crucify you on a cross (any material can be used – get crafty!) that must measure a minimum of 6 x 9 feet (1.8288 x 2.7432 m).

Then have them film the actual crucifixion on a smartphone (iPhone and Samsung only) with close-up camera work.

Contestants must then stay nailed to the cross and as immobile as humanly possible for at least 30 minutes.

Nails must be at least four-inches long and be sterilized stainless steel.

As the editorial staff can’t judge every crucifixion in person—although we’ll do our best to stop by and say, “You can do it!”—it is critical that the filming of the crucifixion be shot in one continuous take.

No fudging with that video!

The Squealer has our own crack-shot digital media crew that are masters at forensic debunking of any sound and video chicanery!

All that being said, have fun!

ON YOUR MARK, SET, GO!

Pick a fun local landmark for your crucifixion. Support our community as you try to endure this barbaric and nutty challenge.

Earn even more money by covering your cross in hashtags featuring global corporations and local businesses.

Support your local charity with a festive message as the nails are being clumsily pounded into the palms of your hands.

Combine an “ice bucket challenge” with your own concern-and-nail-driven attempt for maximum goodwill and promotion.

 

Now for the prizes!

 

FIRST PLACE:

Stay on the cross the longest and you’ve scored $50! High five!

SECOND PLACE:

Nail at least one hand and/or foot to your cross and walk away $25 richer.

THIRD PLACE:

There’s always room on the blooper reel!

Film any attempts at hammering nails into your hands and receive a $10 gift card from your favorite grocery store.

Contestants and crucifixion team members must be 18 and older. 

 

“But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.”

– Isaiah (53:5)

 

 

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